Blog #7 - Looking to the Positive & Dealing With Irritations

I am proud to say that I am happily married. I love my husband. I love how intelligent he is, and how he seems to understand me more than any other person. I won't say that he doesn't irritate me and that we never argue, because that would be a lie. I think sometimes people expect to find a partner who they'll never argue or disagree with, and that often triggers disappointment when they notice that their relationship is flawed. I think we're setting ourselves up for failure if we expect imperfect people to have a perfect relationship. However, with Heavenly Father as the focal-point of our marriage, these imperfections and rough patches can become areas of growth instead of areas of dread. Realizing this has been a game changer for me.

"Any time we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance, but an invitation to call ourselves to repent" (77. Goddard. Emphasis added).

When my husband says or does something that bothers me, it is extremely hard for me to express my irritation in an appropriate manner. So as you can imagine, this quote was a slap in the face to me. When I'm irritated with my husband, I often get short or snippy, which normally just escalates the problem. 

“Marriage provides an ideal setting for overcoming any tendency to be selfish or self-centered.” Richard G. Scott

I think it's important for everyone to remember to to see ourselves with compassion instead of irritation (pg. 77). This is not easy to do. For me, I sometimes get so caught up in my own emotions that I lose sight of the truth - it's not just my husband that needs to improve, but me, too. My husband has accepted me 100%, and I honestly don't think he would change a thing about me - no matter how irritated he gets about me not doing the dishes as much as he wishes I would. 

This week I have been trying to keep this quote from our chapter in mind: "Appreciating is more powerful than correcting." If I can turn towards my spouse by expressing my appreciation and admiration for him, it will make it easier to look past the irritations when times get tough. Life is perfect for nobody, and marriage an amazing  part of our imperfectly beautiful life. We can choose to dwell on the negative or hang on to the positive. It's a work in progress, but I love every minute of it. :)

Blog #6: Turning Towards Your Spouse Instead of Away

Couples who turn towards each other instead of away tend to be happier. In Gottman's book, we read how turning towards your spouse puts "funds" in the "emotional bank account" of your relationship. The same as accumulating money in the bank,  the savings of this emotional bank account can prevent you and your spouse from going "bankrupt" when you're faced with a life-altering situation or conflict. 

It is important for us to not take our daily interactions with our spouse for granted, which is why turning towards our spouse instead of away is necessary for in order to maintain a meaningful connection. Many assume that dwindled romance can simply be recreated by escaping to Hawaii, or sitting at a candlelight dinner. Although these things are definitely beneficial for a relationship, if you neglect to keep up with these emotional "funds," chances are, the recreation attempt will be nothing short of a temporary fix. In fact, you may even end up having a miserable vacation/dinner. Turning towards your spouse is the ultimate way to be romantic. Genuine every day interaction speaks louder than a Hawaii getaway ever could.

In order to prevent losing your emotional funds, what are ways that you can improve in turning towards your spouse?

For me, turning towards my husband can be as simple as listening. A good example of this is going to bed at the same time as him. I'm a night owl (I know...terrible habit), so majority of the time I like to stay up late and either read a book or watch some television. My husband, already in bed, usually has to come out to the living room a few times and ask me to come to bed. Instead of turning away by saying that I want to stay up longer, I can turn towards my spouse and go to bed with him. He doesn't want to make me miserable by having me lay wide awake in bed, he wants me to be there to talk to him and lay with him as he falls asleep. Since it's 1:51 a.m. at the moment, I clearly haven't followed through with this tonight, but this chapter has definitely helped me put the situation in perspective.

Blog #5: Choosing to Have a Christ-Centered Marriage.

"Afflictions are the process by which God cultivates growth. Rather than dread our difficulties, we can learn to welcome them. We can learn to see them as blessings from heaven" (Goddard, 39; emphasis added).

This quote was the introduction for the second chapter of Goddard's book, and I immediately found myself searching for my highlighter. Marriage is one of the best blessings of our lives, and learning more about improving mine this semester has truly been a gift. In marriage, we aren't exempt from difficulties, but like this quote says, instead of seeing our "rough patches" as setbacks, we can chose to see them as blessings from our Father in Heaven. We can choose to "sing the song of redeeming love."

But sometimes this choice is easier said than done. So how do we do it?

We must understand that true happiness requires sacrifice. Not just any form of sacrifice, but faith-filled sacrifice. And faith-filled sacrifice requires obedience. I love how this week's reading in Goddard's book was centered on sacrifice, because I truly believe that faith, sacrifice, and obedience, are all necessary in order to have a successful marriage.

Something important for all of us to remember, whether we're married or not, is that "The Lord cannot bless what we do not bring" (pg. 46). Meaning, the Lord can't bless what you don't do. For example, if you don't pay your tithing, you won't receive tithing blessings. This statement can apply to marriage in many ways, but one thing that's important for us to remember, is that if we want to have a Christ-centered marriage, we need to do the work. We will not have a Christ-centered marriage if we don't put in the effort to make it

Blog #4 - Fighting For Marriage, Despite Negativity

When you think of the word "marriage," how do you imagine it to be? Do you think your love for that person would be constant? Do you imagine marriage to be the same as it was when you were dating the person, or would it be different? Although we all probably have the same responses when it comes to how we want to answer these questions, do you think it'll be easy?

I was really impressed by the readings this week. I was surprised at how much I found myself thinking of my own marriage and how I felt like a lot of the reading was directed to me specifically. My husband is my best friend, but I can say for the both of us, that marriage is not as easy as either of us thought it would. We've only been married for a year and a half, and we've already been through so much together. Marriage is both the hardest, and most rewarding relationship I've ever had. My husband annoys me, he makes me angry, he makes me laugh, he makes me smile, and most importantly, he helps me see my worth when I feel like I don't have any. 

In Gottman's book, "The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work," he talks about how "happy marriages are based on a deep friendship" (Pg. 21). Although Hollywood may cause us to think that marriage is centered around romance, if you don't have a deep friendship with your spouse, you're marriage might night be as meaningful as it could be. Romance is important, but a respectful friendship is a necessity. 

Gottman also mentioned the Four Horseman and the ways that they can diminish the quality of a relationship. Like I said, marriage isn't perfect, so I think that it's normal to have these things creep into your relationship more often than we'd like them to, but it's important to not let the Four Horseman be evident in your daily interactions with your spouse.

The Four Horseman's are:

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

Unfortunately, I thought of multiple interactions that I've had with my husband for each of these things, but almost brings me comfort to know that no relationship is perfect, because no person is perfect. We can, however, strive to improve. I know for me and my husband, we thought that marriage was going to be this never-ending love fest of butterflies and spontaneous gestures, but honestly, marriage is hard, but it is oh so worth the effort. My husband and I have a lot of things we need to improve both individually and as a couple, and I am so excited to read more about Gottman's marriage principals in order to help us do that.

Blog #3 - Covenant Marriage

"Covenant Marriage." Two words that might as well have been a foreign language, that is, until I met with the missionaries a few years ago.

My parent's divorced when I was very young. I consider myself very fortunate when it comes to their separation. They were always civil and nice to each other around me. Both my parents and my step parents could sit and have dinner together and get along just fine. Obviously, since they were divorced, they had a lot of things about each other that they found to be obnoxious, but they never let me know of these things until the past year or so. Regardless of my parents getting along in-spite of the divorce, I have always told myself that I would never put my children through the same thing. Yes, my parents could be in the same room together and get along fine, but it was still hard for me to be raised in two houses.

As a teenager, I think I was excited to get married, but also very nervous. I didn't want to end up divorced like my parents. When the missionaries were explaining the LDS point of view on marriage, I became very hopeful that everything would be okay. 

The day of my baptism, I met a recently returned missionary. He was from my ward, and I'd never met him before because he just got home. He heard there was a baptism in the ward, and wanted to attend. Obviously, the baptism was mine. We are now married, and have been married for about a year and a half. Marriage is definitely not easy. Sometimes the other person is annoying, but at the end of the day, they're yours for eternity. Knowing that my husband married me knowing that he wasn't just signing a piece of paper - like the world sometimes portrays marriage - was very comforting to me. How beautiful is it to know that we get the opportunity to kneel in the temple with our spouse and be sealed not only on Earth, but in Heaven, too.