Blog #12: Accepting Differences in Families

In "Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families" we read about exactly this, creating healthy ties with family members. I absolutely love the section about accepting differences in a family that's different than yours. This is a topic that's very common in my life, as my in-laws and my family are total opposite. My husband and I both struggle to get along with his parents sometimes (for reasons that I won't mention here), but I appreciated the tips that the article stated about accepting differences: demonstrating humor, exercising patience, overlooking small irritations, and looking for the positive. 

In my relationship with my husbands family, demonstrating humor is something that we both do when we're not comfortable with something that his family does. Though, I do think that demonstrating humor can be a "mask" for your true feelings, it does sometimes help melt the ice and bring warmth into tense relationships. 

Something that I struggle with in my relationship with my in-laws is exercising patience. Granted, majority of my inpatience I just vent to my husband, but it's still extremely stressful. When reading these aloud to my husband, he says that he thinks that he struggles to look for the positive in his family. 

What else could help people deal with the stress of different family relationships?

We all need to remember that each individual in a family is a child of God, and we should treat them as so.

How does Heavenly Father treat us, His children? He gives us love.

I love this quote by Gordon B. Hinckley that says: "Love is the only force that can erase the differences between people." I may not always agree with my in-laws, but I still love them and care for them, and it has been a blessing to my husband and I to remember to love first. 

Blog #11: Marriage is Eternal

In Henry B Eyring's talk, "That We May Be One," he introduces his talk by saying, "And at the creation of man and woman, unity for them in marriage was not given as hope, it was a command!" When I read this sentence, it stood out to me. I already understand the truthfulness of this sentence, but I realized as I read this, that the world doesn't understand the same. 

"The requirement that we be one is not for this life alone. It is to be without end." How amazingly true is this statement?! We, as Latter-day Saints, understand that marriage is not just for this life. It is NOT just "till death to us part," but for eternity. Majority of the world views marriage to be something that's easily escaped, and that the correspondence is temporary or earthy. It isn't.

How grateful I am to have knowledge of this.

Blog #10: Discussing Intimacy

Our reading this week, as always, was extremely informative. However, for this particular post, I'd like to focus on the reading entitled: "They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage," from the September 1986 Ensign.

The reading starts describing Barlow's experience as a missionary, when him and his companion were confronted by a Protestant minister on the Church's "attitude toward sexuality." After Barlow's new companion realized that Barlow didn't have an answer, the companion responded with: "Sir, we believe in it."

And we do.

We believe that sexuality should be between married man and woman - We believe that sexuality can be a form of joy in a marriage, and, just the same, we acknowledge that sexuality can be a "source of frustration and even contention" in a marriage (Barlow, 1). Barlow mentions how sexuality can become a source of contention in marriage because of inappropriate attitudes, mistaken ideas, incorrect perception triggered by the media, or interfering psychological problems. 

The thing that I loved the most about this reading is that Barlow mentioned the importance of discussing intimacy with your partner. So often I have heard of Latter-day Saints, married or single, considering intimacy a "bad" topic to discuss --IT ISN'T! Talk about it! In fact, talk about it often! Your marriage will thank you. ;)

Blog #9: Charity

"Charity can be the lens through which we see each other" (Goddard, 114).

Seeing others through the "lens" of charity is definitely not easy to accomplish, especially when it comes to annoyances and frustrations in a marriage, but the outcome from trying, with constant effort and "starting over," will do nothing but improve your relationship with God and each other.

In Goddard's book, I enjoyed reading this quote by Marvin J. Ashton: 

"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down" (pg. 116).

How can we apply this quote to our marriages?

I feel like having charity is something I'm constantly working on (aren't we all?). I've noticed that I'm good at showing charity in some areas of my life, and need more work at it in other areas. I love how Marvin J. Ashton says "charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings.." As humans, we want to be accepted - imperfections and all. How can we expect this treatment from others yet struggle to do it to our own spouses? 

I think "treating others the way we want to be treated" is a good way to look at charity.

Blog #8: Fighting For Your Marriage

Consecrate (verb): to make or declare (something, typically a church) sacred; dedicate formally to a religious or divine purpose (Wikipedia). 

"We covenant to live the law of consecration. This law is that we consecrate our time, talents, strength, property, and money for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God on this earth and the establishment of Zion." (Goddard, 99).

As I have mentioned in previous posts, my parents divorced when I was young. My parents are great people, and they  got along very well after they separated. However, they chose to divorce simply because they "didn't love each other anymore." Although I don't agree with their reasoning for divorcing, I know that my life has been blessed because of that choice. My step parents are excellent, and all four of my parents get along amazingly well compared to other divorced/remarried families. I also have two brothers on my mom's side, and my life would not be the same without them in it. Regardless, I  would never divorce my husband simply because of lost love - love is something that needs to be nurtured, and it's rarely ever going to be perfect.

Before I joined the Church, I don't think I ever viewed marriage as something sacred. I may have thought of it as something "special," but never sacred. Although my parent's divorce was a very drama-free one, I was always afraid of having the same thing happen to me once I got married. I was afraid of falling out of love with my spouse like they did each other. However, since I've joined the Church, I've come to understand that marriage is so much more than simply keeping flames lit, so to speak. It's forever. It's eternal.

  

My dad, mom, and me.

My step dad, mom, brothers, husband, and me.

My dad, step mom, and me.

I would be lying if I said that marriage has been an easy ride, because it hasn't, but is any relationship an easy? I don't think so. Keeping Christ at the center of my life has done nothing but help my marriage thrive. In the chapter about consecration, Goddard says, "those who understand the things of God know that their imperfect partners will one day be made glorious" (pg 108). The same goes for ALL family members. I know that my husband and my parents have faults, but they don't need to be flawless to receive love; I love them no matter what. I think every relationship has room for improvement no matter how happy (or unhappy) you are, because there's always room become better. I love my family the way it is, including the fact that it's "separated." It's not perfect and it's not "traditional," but my life would be completely different if it were any other way. 

I am blessed to have knowledge of the Gospel and eternal marriage. I know that if it weren't for the Church, I probably would have been forever afraid of losing love, and I definitely wouldn't be married right now. Marriage is worth fighting for, so fight hard. Love is worth having, so once you discover it, try to hold it close.

Blog #7 - Looking to the Positive & Dealing With Irritations

I am proud to say that I am happily married. I love my husband. I love how intelligent he is, and how he seems to understand me more than any other person. I won't say that he doesn't irritate me and that we never argue, because that would be a lie. I think sometimes people expect to find a partner who they'll never argue or disagree with, and that often triggers disappointment when they notice that their relationship is flawed. I think we're setting ourselves up for failure if we expect imperfect people to have a perfect relationship. However, with Heavenly Father as the focal-point of our marriage, these imperfections and rough patches can become areas of growth instead of areas of dread. Realizing this has been a game changer for me.

"Any time we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance, but an invitation to call ourselves to repent" (77. Goddard. Emphasis added).

When my husband says or does something that bothers me, it is extremely hard for me to express my irritation in an appropriate manner. So as you can imagine, this quote was a slap in the face to me. When I'm irritated with my husband, I often get short or snippy, which normally just escalates the problem. 

“Marriage provides an ideal setting for overcoming any tendency to be selfish or self-centered.” Richard G. Scott

I think it's important for everyone to remember to to see ourselves with compassion instead of irritation (pg. 77). This is not easy to do. For me, I sometimes get so caught up in my own emotions that I lose sight of the truth - it's not just my husband that needs to improve, but me, too. My husband has accepted me 100%, and I honestly don't think he would change a thing about me - no matter how irritated he gets about me not doing the dishes as much as he wishes I would. 

This week I have been trying to keep this quote from our chapter in mind: "Appreciating is more powerful than correcting." If I can turn towards my spouse by expressing my appreciation and admiration for him, it will make it easier to look past the irritations when times get tough. Life is perfect for nobody, and marriage an amazing  part of our imperfectly beautiful life. We can choose to dwell on the negative or hang on to the positive. It's a work in progress, but I love every minute of it. :)

Blog #6: Turning Towards Your Spouse Instead of Away

Couples who turn towards each other instead of away tend to be happier. In Gottman's book, we read how turning towards your spouse puts "funds" in the "emotional bank account" of your relationship. The same as accumulating money in the bank,  the savings of this emotional bank account can prevent you and your spouse from going "bankrupt" when you're faced with a life-altering situation or conflict. 

It is important for us to not take our daily interactions with our spouse for granted, which is why turning towards our spouse instead of away is necessary for in order to maintain a meaningful connection. Many assume that dwindled romance can simply be recreated by escaping to Hawaii, or sitting at a candlelight dinner. Although these things are definitely beneficial for a relationship, if you neglect to keep up with these emotional "funds," chances are, the recreation attempt will be nothing short of a temporary fix. In fact, you may even end up having a miserable vacation/dinner. Turning towards your spouse is the ultimate way to be romantic. Genuine every day interaction speaks louder than a Hawaii getaway ever could.

In order to prevent losing your emotional funds, what are ways that you can improve in turning towards your spouse?

For me, turning towards my husband can be as simple as listening. A good example of this is going to bed at the same time as him. I'm a night owl (I know...terrible habit), so majority of the time I like to stay up late and either read a book or watch some television. My husband, already in bed, usually has to come out to the living room a few times and ask me to come to bed. Instead of turning away by saying that I want to stay up longer, I can turn towards my spouse and go to bed with him. He doesn't want to make me miserable by having me lay wide awake in bed, he wants me to be there to talk to him and lay with him as he falls asleep. Since it's 1:51 a.m. at the moment, I clearly haven't followed through with this tonight, but this chapter has definitely helped me put the situation in perspective.

Blog #5: Choosing to Have a Christ-Centered Marriage.

"Afflictions are the process by which God cultivates growth. Rather than dread our difficulties, we can learn to welcome them. We can learn to see them as blessings from heaven" (Goddard, 39; emphasis added).

This quote was the introduction for the second chapter of Goddard's book, and I immediately found myself searching for my highlighter. Marriage is one of the best blessings of our lives, and learning more about improving mine this semester has truly been a gift. In marriage, we aren't exempt from difficulties, but like this quote says, instead of seeing our "rough patches" as setbacks, we can chose to see them as blessings from our Father in Heaven. We can choose to "sing the song of redeeming love."

But sometimes this choice is easier said than done. So how do we do it?

We must understand that true happiness requires sacrifice. Not just any form of sacrifice, but faith-filled sacrifice. And faith-filled sacrifice requires obedience. I love how this week's reading in Goddard's book was centered on sacrifice, because I truly believe that faith, sacrifice, and obedience, are all necessary in order to have a successful marriage.

Something important for all of us to remember, whether we're married or not, is that "The Lord cannot bless what we do not bring" (pg. 46). Meaning, the Lord can't bless what you don't do. For example, if you don't pay your tithing, you won't receive tithing blessings. This statement can apply to marriage in many ways, but one thing that's important for us to remember, is that if we want to have a Christ-centered marriage, we need to do the work. We will not have a Christ-centered marriage if we don't put in the effort to make it

Blog #4 - Fighting For Marriage, Despite Negativity

When you think of the word "marriage," how do you imagine it to be? Do you think your love for that person would be constant? Do you imagine marriage to be the same as it was when you were dating the person, or would it be different? Although we all probably have the same responses when it comes to how we want to answer these questions, do you think it'll be easy?

I was really impressed by the readings this week. I was surprised at how much I found myself thinking of my own marriage and how I felt like a lot of the reading was directed to me specifically. My husband is my best friend, but I can say for the both of us, that marriage is not as easy as either of us thought it would. We've only been married for a year and a half, and we've already been through so much together. Marriage is both the hardest, and most rewarding relationship I've ever had. My husband annoys me, he makes me angry, he makes me laugh, he makes me smile, and most importantly, he helps me see my worth when I feel like I don't have any. 

In Gottman's book, "The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work," he talks about how "happy marriages are based on a deep friendship" (Pg. 21). Although Hollywood may cause us to think that marriage is centered around romance, if you don't have a deep friendship with your spouse, you're marriage might night be as meaningful as it could be. Romance is important, but a respectful friendship is a necessity. 

Gottman also mentioned the Four Horseman and the ways that they can diminish the quality of a relationship. Like I said, marriage isn't perfect, so I think that it's normal to have these things creep into your relationship more often than we'd like them to, but it's important to not let the Four Horseman be evident in your daily interactions with your spouse.

The Four Horseman's are:

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

Unfortunately, I thought of multiple interactions that I've had with my husband for each of these things, but almost brings me comfort to know that no relationship is perfect, because no person is perfect. We can, however, strive to improve. I know for me and my husband, we thought that marriage was going to be this never-ending love fest of butterflies and spontaneous gestures, but honestly, marriage is hard, but it is oh so worth the effort. My husband and I have a lot of things we need to improve both individually and as a couple, and I am so excited to read more about Gottman's marriage principals in order to help us do that.

Blog #3 - Covenant Marriage

"Covenant Marriage." Two words that might as well have been a foreign language, that is, until I met with the missionaries a few years ago.

My parent's divorced when I was very young. I consider myself very fortunate when it comes to their separation. They were always civil and nice to each other around me. Both my parents and my step parents could sit and have dinner together and get along just fine. Obviously, since they were divorced, they had a lot of things about each other that they found to be obnoxious, but they never let me know of these things until the past year or so. Regardless of my parents getting along in-spite of the divorce, I have always told myself that I would never put my children through the same thing. Yes, my parents could be in the same room together and get along fine, but it was still hard for me to be raised in two houses.

As a teenager, I think I was excited to get married, but also very nervous. I didn't want to end up divorced like my parents. When the missionaries were explaining the LDS point of view on marriage, I became very hopeful that everything would be okay. 

The day of my baptism, I met a recently returned missionary. He was from my ward, and I'd never met him before because he just got home. He heard there was a baptism in the ward, and wanted to attend. Obviously, the baptism was mine. We are now married, and have been married for about a year and a half. Marriage is definitely not easy. Sometimes the other person is annoying, but at the end of the day, they're yours for eternity. Knowing that my husband married me knowing that he wasn't just signing a piece of paper - like the world sometimes portrays marriage - was very comforting to me. How beautiful is it to know that we get the opportunity to kneel in the temple with our spouse and be sealed not only on Earth, but in Heaven, too. 

Blog #2: Gay Marriage

This week we mainly focused on gay marriage. In our discussion board thread, there was varying points mentioned about whether or not people agree with the topic. I personally side with the LDS Church on the matter, however, I'm not homophobic. I definitely don't hate people who have same sex attraction. In fact, I have some family members who are gay. If those family members ever get married to the same sex, I will still go to the wedding and develop a positive relationship with their partner.

I personally think that as Christians, we know that gay marriage is frowned upon by God, but we should remember that the only One who can judge people who have same sex attraction is God, not man. Everybody has agency, and God is the only Judge. I think that, as Christians, it would be helpful for us to remember an important commandment:

Love your neighbor.

Blog #1: Marriage & Divorce

This week in FAML 300, we learned about marriage and divorce. Something that I thought I would share that was on my mind throughout the readings this week is my own family, because my parents divorced when I was a toddler. I joined the Church a few years ago, so I obviously wasn't raised in an LDS home (my mom is Catholic and my dad is Nondenominational Christian). My parents' reasoning for their divorce was that "we were young and realized that we were better off as friends." Although, I personally don't see their reason for divorcing to be legitimate, I do consider myself very blessed because of the divorce. My parents are both remarried, and my mom had two boys with my stepdad. If they didn't divorce, I wouldn't have my brothers, and I wouldn't have any of the additional family members that I do. However, reading Dallin H. Oaks' talk on divorce really helped me further see the importance of my marriage, and the fact that it isn't just a piece of paper to me. It's eternal. It's sacred. Although I love my parents and respect their decision to divorce, I would never divorce my husband for the same reason. Life is hard and marriage can be a challenge, but it's not worth simply giving up on unless you're in a relationship with infidelity or abuse.

Even before I joined the Church, I always told myself that I'd never get divorced. When I met my husband and got married, I began to realize that marriage isn't always breakfast in bed. Marriage isn't always filled with flowers and chocolates. Marriage is hard some days. You get in disagreements with your spouse, and you struggle just as anyone else does. But would it be as big of a blessing if it was easy? I don't think it would be. Sometimes it's the challenges in life that bring the biggest blessings, and I've definitely been seeing that in my own marriage. We are young adults and we have a lot to learn, but we're blessed to have each other to lean on through both the good times and bad.